We humans can be complex beings, one example being the tendency to completely understand our own intentions and behaviours, while sometimes puzzling over the strange and negative actions of others. I know this is hardly a revelation, but I would like you tell you a story of when and how I learned I needed to work harder at ensuring my behaviours were understandable to others and as constructive as possible. To keep the storyline reasonably straightforward, the context here is the issue of ‘praise’ and ‘building’ and how important encouragement is for all of us.
As I was growing up, I seemed to want a lot of encouragement and mostly felt it was pretty hard to come by. When I got it, I tried harder to please and in response to those (too few, it seemed) people who consistently showed appreciation for my efforts, I tried even harder. I liked them and would immediately move into ‘high motivation’ mode when in their presence. I wanted them to like me too.
For those who never gave it, I soon learned to not bother trying to earn it. I didn’t like being around them much and would try my best to ignore them, even occasionally engaging in behaviour that earned their disapproval (which was freely given!) … and sometimes I would even work to be at odds with whatever it was they were trying to accomplish. Sabotage, I think that’s called. Not much of a praiseworthy activity, as I look back at my reactionary strategy.
For those who encouraged me rarely or infrequently, I would make an effort to get along or do the right thing, but only rarely or infrequently, so it was never my best that they experienced. I think the point I am making here is that, without a deliberate intention to encourage, we tend to give only as much as we get.
As I look back on my life now, I realize that not only did I always have someone else handy to blame for my motivational swings, I can also confess to making semi-permanent judgments about the people with whom I was interacting. My intentions were always completely clear to me and the differing behaviours of others were easily classified into good, indifferent or bad character boxes. I don’t recall ever stopping and wondering how many different people I was being for all those people in my life … until I participated in a brainstorming exercise at the tender age of 30. Oh well, better late than never, I guess!
I have mentioned this transformational training course elsewhere on this website. The year was 1976, the course was a 3-day program called Managing for Motivation (MFM), presented by Xerox Learning Systems. It is now 2020 and I have been part of many hundreds of learning programs and MFM still ranks as one of the most effective learning events of my life. In 3 days, this program was actually able to transfer several interpersonal management skills into the personal repertoire of behaviours of its participants. We read and discussed research on motivation, we watched videos of how-not-to’s and how-to’s, we did paper-and-pencil quizzes, we role played (a lot!), we were videotaped and we constructively critiqued our own performances. Each of the skills led sweetly into the next one in a giant build … I can tell you it was a sophisticated work of learning art, this course.
The activity that taught me the monster life lesson about ‘building’ and ‘praise’ and how important they are to us all happened right at the outset of this 3-day course. The 6 of us, who had just been introduced to each other, were told that:
- we were a team in the R&D department of the market-leading thermos company;
- our major competitor had just announced a new thermos with a loss-proof top; and that
- our job, in the next 20 minutes, was to brainstorm as many creative thermos-redesign ideas for loss-proof tops so our great company could answer this business challenge.
The facilitator told us that she would be video-recording our interactions, but I have to tell you that this information went in one ear and out the other as we sprang into action. Almost immediately, I had a brilliant idea (remember what I said about easily understanding our own motivations?) and I put it out there: the mouth of our new thermos would be like a camera shutter, to be opened and closed with a twist of the thermos top. I sat back, waiting for the instant praise.
Crickets from my 5 team mates! Absolutely nothing! I sat there in surprised silence. I had only met them minutes earlier, but with one shred of evidence I was already starting to wonder about their critical thinking skills and start sorting them into one of those character boxes I mentioned. One of them even said in response to my suggestion: “Right, do any of you have any workable ideas?” I was instantly ticked. And as their (as in me vs. them) ideas started to come forth, I found myself finding great fault with each one of them. Examples:
“What about attaching the inside of the bottom of the cup to the bottom of the inside of the thermos with a small stainless chain?”, offered a team mate. “Oh, great idea”, I said, “just think of having to clean that chain after your clam chowder lunch!”
Or “how about designing a cup that is attached to the outside of the thermos with a flexible plastic arm, so you can pour your soup or coffee or whatever into it without detaching it?” said another. “You’ve got to be kidding!” I said, “you’ll be spilling your soup or coffee or whatever everywhere … and then how do you actually drink out of the cup without spilling your whole thermos?.” Just try saying my last line and listen to how it sounds … not quite the music of a brainstorm where no idea is a bad one!
At the end of our 20 minutes, th facilitator asked if we’d like to see the best idea ever brainstormed in the all the times they had run this exercise and of course we said yes. Here’s what she showed us:
I have to tell you that I remember sitting back smugly and looked each of my 5 team mates in the eyes, as if to say “oh yeah, remember that one, that’s right, MY idea.”
Longer story shorter, when they replayed the videotape, because they wanted to benchmark our behaviours for skill-building purposes, to my eternal shame, I saw the worst set of interpersonal behaviours I think I have ever seen … and they were all mine! My immature performance was so bad that, to this day, I can still see the shirt I was wearing, a shirt I had picked out to feel good about myself and of course to impress others. Oh, I’m sure I left an impression all right, although it wasn’t the one I had imagined and I certainly wasn’t feeling very good about myself. It was at that moment I decided I needed to learn whatever it was they were teaching on this course!
So … now to the point of the blog: there are 2 fundamental interpersonal skills that have the effect of encouraging others: ‘praise’ and ‘building’, and I want to describe them both to you, my purpose being to implore you to practice them daily.
‘Praise’ is very straightforward: it is the provision of verbal feedback with the purpose of encouraging specific and task-related behaviours. Offering general praise is better than none, of course, but an ‘atta girl’ doesn’t really help the receiver know what she has said or done that earned the praise and so, other than a short ‘feel good’ effect, there is limited value in offering it. For praise to be most effective, it must contain descriptions of the following elements:
- the context of the situation, e.g., “when we were in the staff meeting this morning…”
- the specific behaviour being praised, e.g., “I noticed that you make sure everyone’s opinion was heard, even though a couple of the junior team members were a bit shy to offer theirs”
- how the behaviour relates to the business task, e.g., “I can’t tell you how important it is the whole team to feel that we want their input and that we will take the time to make sure we have it”
- a mention of the personal qualities of the receiver that made the accomplishment possible, e.g., “Obviously, inclusion is one of your personal values”
- if appropriate, connecting the behaviour or the personal quality to the worldview of you, the leader, e.g., “and I have worked long and hard to make everyone feel like a values member of my team, so I thank you for your help.”
The chances of the receiver of this praise now knowing how to earn (and willing to act on this knowledge) the approval of the leader are a few thousand % higher than those of the ‘atta girl’ encouragement. Not rocket science, but I didn’t know this before MFM, but I have been trying to put it to use ever since.
“Building” is even easier. It simply requires the leader to mention the name of the person who offered the idea, early enough in the interaction so there is no confusion over its originator … it’s just offering the credit due. And like with the rules of good praise, it is important for the leader to connect the idea to what it will accomplish in a task-related manner and to ask for ways to make it even better, e.g., “Well, there’s an interesting idea from John, he is suggesting that some of these data collection duties can be outsourced, thereby saving us FTE’s. Can any of you help with how we can ensure confidentiality if we are employing PT remote employees?”
How many times have you been in a meeting in which ideas were requested, only to see and hear your contributions go unattributed. Or worse … credited to someone else. In such a work environment, the motivational effects on future idea generation can be less-than-optimal, shall I say. And perhaps have an adverse impact on your own connection to the leader and the team. The fix to this is so darn easy, we just have to encourage others to be more encouraging!
It is my contention that at home, at work and at play, we have many daily opportunities to reward good thinking by using the ‘building’ skill.
This is what we should look like as listen for ideas to build on: multiple sensors on the lookout and the hearout.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Provide Feedback